Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
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Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.