My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
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No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
is this store having a stroke wtf
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Care for your back
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots