No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
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Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
I think about this a lot
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”