I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
You Might Also Like
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*