My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
You Might Also Like
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
At least my masseuse has my back.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once