It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
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[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]