Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
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What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
What an awful time to have common sense.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Did my cat write this
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.