me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
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Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Truth
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™