Tammy is short for Tamuel
You Might Also Like
Doggies just call it style.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.