Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
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Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Barbie gone wild
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
This 4th of July, please remember…
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name