*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
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Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.