me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
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[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
My dog ate my work from home.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
How long do you have to wait between naps?
How to draw a duck
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
That earthquake could have been an email.