*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
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Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”