People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
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THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
PARKOUR
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT