30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
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My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.