Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
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[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Banking tips
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
…żyje?
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back