All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
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I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
I am a gravy boat captain
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.