Posting this on behalf of a friend
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Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
so weird how every mom was born today
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Okay
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake