[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
You Might Also Like
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash