You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
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”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
My life in a nutshell
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format