Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
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acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
The Weeknd is back
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”