Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
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Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?