dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
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Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Is….Is this an option?
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
(yawn)
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.