spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
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Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.