So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
You Might Also Like
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction