Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
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My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”