Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
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“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”