skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
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Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.