Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
You Might Also Like
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Baking is just science you can eat.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!