Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
You Might Also Like
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
this is 10/10 content no notes