Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
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I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Stop sending me this shit.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight