[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
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Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Something Saturday.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
God, I love Scotland
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
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