What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
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“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu