Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
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Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second