Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
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I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Siri, fight Alexa.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.