Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
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[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
This is my cat’s medicine.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.