Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
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*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
2022 will be better than 2021
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt