Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
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welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
God has abandoned us.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.