How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
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Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Alexa: *deep breath*
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol