Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
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Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
*Inspirational Tweets*
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?