Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
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Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
new year update: losing everything but weight
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go