[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
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Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!