I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
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“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Did…did a minotaur write this
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.