I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
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Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.