[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
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Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball