*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
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I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
*praying for world peace*
God:
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there