wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
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“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.