Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
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This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.