H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
You Might Also Like
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
getting corrected
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now