*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
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Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward